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It's been four years now, but I thought I'd share this
 my_empty_cradle - (dust_bunnie69)
 
09:37am 03/02/2009
 
 

I must admit the name of this journal lured me in.  My Empty Cradle.  Yes, that is what I came home to four years ago in September after the worst experience I ever went through in my entire life.  So let me take you back to where it all began. 

This is my storyCollapse )
mood: hopefulhopeful
 
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breakthrough
 my_empty_cradle - (plain_life0404)
 
08:06am 16/01/2008
 
 
plain_life0404 posting in pregnancy loss
I had my 2nd session yesterday.  Going into the session I felt happy and pleased, since I felt a relief after the 1st and didn't have any breakdowns.  Only 5 minutes into the session, tears flooded my eyes!  My therapist had brought up some thoughts and I started balling.  He had told me that there's still more uncovered emotions that I wasn't dealing with.  At first I was like, Oh okay.......  Then he started explaining some things.  Such as anger......I have a lot of anger towards God.  I had dealt with my anger towards him and it only lead to crying.  Then he made me realize that all my emotions were not towards him, but to myself.  I feel its my fault that I had a miscarriage.  I'm scared to death that there's a tiny chance that I could not have children.   My husband and I have talked about that certain "TOPIC."  I thought since we talked about it, it was alright.   Sitting in that room and thinking about it and talking about it, over and over again, it finally hit me.  This is the source of what truly hurts the most.  I'm so scared.
location: home
mood: scaredscared
 
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1st Session
 my_empty_cradle - (plain_life0404)
 
02:29am 09/01/2008
 
 
plain_life0404 posting in pregnancy loss

So I went to my very first session.  It was quite interesting.  I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I just needed answers.  Not even 5 mins into the session, I started balling.  I thought I had a control over my emotions, since I hadn't cried for weeks.  Went on about my mulitple losses.  Which to my attention, I had not yet grieved completely with my first miscarriage.  There's a lot of emotions at float.  I have somewhat of an idea of what will come, but part of me doesn't really want to except the loss of my 2nd miscarriage.  I think its because I have a lot of anger towards GOD.  Until I can come to terms with God, I might be able to move on.  I just don't want too!  I want to stay anger at HIM.  
After my session, I was actually relief.  It felt good to talk about it out loud and cry.  Its good to CRY. 

location: home sweet home
mood: okayokay
 
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still hurt
 my_empty_cradle - (plain_life0404)
 
01:31am 04/01/2008
 
 
plain_life0404 posting in pregnancy loss
I joined this community because I thought it might help me cope with others who have had a loss.  It just eases me a little that I'm not the only one out there going through this.  This is my second lost.  Its been over a month since my lost.  I still don't know how to deal with it.  I get angry and sad a lot.  Sometimes I feel sad that I have happy days.  I get angry that people around me are getting pregnant or having babies.  Its just not fair!  I don't understand why it happened.  Am I not good enough to be a mother?  Am I being punished for something I've done?  I wanted this so bad.  I quit my job so I could take care of myself and the baby.  I took every precaution.  All I got was heartache.  
I'm going to see a therapist next week.  Maybe it will be better.  I don't know what to expect.  I'm actually quite sacred.  I need it though, I think? 
location: computer desk
mood: crushedcrushed
music: silence
 
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(no subject)
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
05:50pm 28/12/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
 I would have been due any day now.
January 2nd is just days away.

I've been fine about the whole business, but today... well today I realized how close my due date was. When I had my ectopic pregnancy I thought a lot about the date I might have been due. And when said date rolled around I was pregnant for the second time. I didn't have to feel this. I was so wrapped up in the joy of knowing a little life was growing inside me. 

It hurts you know.
mood: sadsad
 
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(no subject)
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
02:38pm 09/09/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
i don't know what exactly to say.
over the last week i have been feeling a mixture of rage and sadness. i've been trying to push those feelings deep down. but haven't had much luck. just a few hours ago i had a "temper tantrum." i crawled into bed & felt like crying. one of the dogs barked at someone passing by and i just snapped. i yelled at the dog and after the dog left the room, i threw the contents of my nightstand around the room. i buried my face into my pillow and screamed. after that i cried. no, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. too many bottled up emotions i guess.

no one around me understands. i tried to tell my husband. he thinks its a simple matter of not dwelling on what was lost. but its hard. i get reminders all the time. diaper coupons in the mail, hearing about people i know having their babies. seeing the baby items we got around the house. and this lady who works at the hospital in a different position, well she's just a few weeks further along than i was. just seeing her rub her very round belly is making me jealous and sad. i can't help but fucking dwell on where i would be. what would be happening.

i never dealt with these emotions back in june. why surface now? and why am i so angry? i'm bitter and bitchy. i feel alone too. why doesn't anyone else understand why i feel this way? hell maybe i am messed up. maybe i am dwelling too much these days. i just don't know how to stop it.
mood: angryangry
 
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update of sorts...
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
08:44pm 27/06/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
i have been dealing with my miscarriage well. i might just still be "numb" about it, or maybe i managed to let it go all ready. who knows? all i can say is i'm glad i'm not crying and angry all the time. although, i do get some wicked mood swings. and a few bouts of depression. everyone has been pretty supportive, even jeremy (who usually bears the brunt of it all - poor guy.)

all ready my friends and family are asking me when were going to try again! it's only been a few weeks and they are all ready thinking about the next pregnancy. can you believe it? my favorite comment from them is "the 3rd one is a charm." yeah lets hope so.

jeremy and i agreed that when we do get pregnant again, were going to wait a few weeks, have a few prenatal appointments before we tell anyone. even our families. it just seems like it would be for the best. the good thing is now i have medical. so i'll be able to seek care asap.
mood: okayokay
 
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The little light
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
08:40pm 15/06/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
The little light

Where are you ?
I ask the little light.

Here I am Mum!
Don't you feel me?

I can feel you,
but I can't see you.
I reply to the light

and I hear, that it says:

It doesn't matter what you see or don't see,
it's just important that you feel the light-
inside of you, mum, not what is external!

I feel you clearly,
internaly.
I can almost touch you, just missing a bit.
for the real fortune.

Why did you leave my little light,
I'm so sad,
without you.

Oh mummy,
don't cry.
I'm in sight,
close your eyes and feel me,
I'm very close.

Why ?
I ask again,
why are you leaving,
little light,
don't leave me.
I love you!!!

Go on loving me,
I'm still here!

Why?
is all,
that's screaming inside of me,

and so the little light explains to me:

Don't be sad mum,
I LOVE YOU!!!

The little body I owned,
it didn't want to go on,
it prevented me from becoming
what I wanted to be,
your healthy little light.
I never wanted to leave you,
but I had to,
I didn't want to be sick mum,
do you understand me?

Sadly I described to the little light,
i understood,
it just hurts so bad.

Dear mum,
don't cry,
time will pass,
soon I'll be in sight again !
Fight for me !
I need you !
I love you !

My sweet little light,
how can I fight for you,
you are already dead.

No mum,
I'm not dead.
I just need time,
just a little bit,
I solicit you,
you'll receive me,
as open-heartedly as you did the last time!

How could I do other than giving you a warm welcome
and receive you?
my sweet light,
longingly i'll wait for you.

Well then mum,
don't be sad!
Await me!
Soon I'll be yours!

My light will be shining,
really bright,
so you'll never loose faith.
the light of my life isn't dead,
just the body had to go.
I'm with you,
I give you light.

--
my sister in law found this poem. it was in german so she translated it into english for me. i know some parts don't make a whole lot of sense, but again she had to tranlate and she still has some trouble with words and grammer. the poem really hurt to read it at first, but now it's kind of comforting.

my miscarriage was horrible! my doctor prescribed some pills to cause me to have contractions and cramps so i could pass the baby. in some cases the pills don't work for 30-45 minutes. i figured i was in that category. so i inserted the pills for the contractions (yes inserted - it was even more emotionally painful to have to do it that way) and then proceeded to take the vicodin and ibuprofen. but to my horror about 10 minutes after inserting the pills i began to feel cramps coming on. holy cow it was the worst pain ever! right at the end i was having full blown contractions mixed with cramps and it sure felt like a fire had been lighted in my belly! i seriously think it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire lifetime. not only physical but emotional as well.

i'm still passing tissue and clots. still having cramps but i'm dealing with it. but as for the emotional aspect... well i've been kind of numb. i found myself able to talk about the experience and receive sympathy hugs and what not without bursting into tears. don't get me wrong, i still have the odd moments when i cry, and now i have some anger issues. but on the whole i feel pretty numb. i guess it'll rear its ugly head sooner or later.
mood: numbnumb
 
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the end of my pregnancy
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
03:42pm 11/06/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
so my pregnancy is coming to an end.
blood testing has shown that my pregnancy count is dropping. i have been bleeding and cramping, but it stops frequently. so my doctor gave me choices. i ended up deciding on taking a drug called misoprostol (aka: cytotec) to help my cramping and contractions along.

i haven't yet inserted the misoprostol. it hurts too much to think this is how my connection to my baby ends. the pain and heartbreak of it all has been horrible. i know i can't continue to carry the baby (nor do i want to) but i seem to find myself scared and almost unwilling to end it all.
mood: heartbrokenheartbroken
 
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(no subject)
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
 
12:31pm 10/06/2007
 
 
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
how can you ever be happy when you heart has been shattered into a million little pieces?

how can you go on when you see all of your hopes and dreams bleeding out of your body?

how do you stop a flood of tears?

its cruel to make me carry what i can't

its cruel to take from me what i held so dear.
mood: heartbrokenheartbroken
 
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