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The little light
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
08:40pm 15/06/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
The little light

Where are you ?
I ask the little light.

Here I am Mum!
Don't you feel me?

I can feel you,
but I can't see you.
I reply to the light

and I hear, that it says:

It doesn't matter what you see or don't see,
it's just important that you feel the light-
inside of you, mum, not what is external!

I feel you clearly,
I can almost touch you, just missing a bit.
for the real fortune.

Why did you leave my little light,
I'm so sad,
without you.

Oh mummy,
don't cry.
I'm in sight,
close your eyes and feel me,
I'm very close.

Why ?
I ask again,
why are you leaving,
little light,
don't leave me.
I love you!!!

Go on loving me,
I'm still here!

is all,
that's screaming inside of me,

and so the little light explains to me:

Don't be sad mum,

The little body I owned,
it didn't want to go on,
it prevented me from becoming
what I wanted to be,
your healthy little light.
I never wanted to leave you,
but I had to,
I didn't want to be sick mum,
do you understand me?

Sadly I described to the little light,
i understood,
it just hurts so bad.

Dear mum,
don't cry,
time will pass,
soon I'll be in sight again !
Fight for me !
I need you !
I love you !

My sweet little light,
how can I fight for you,
you are already dead.

No mum,
I'm not dead.
I just need time,
just a little bit,
I solicit you,
you'll receive me,
as open-heartedly as you did the last time!

How could I do other than giving you a warm welcome
and receive you?
my sweet light,
longingly i'll wait for you.

Well then mum,
don't be sad!
Await me!
Soon I'll be yours!

My light will be shining,
really bright,
so you'll never loose faith.
the light of my life isn't dead,
just the body had to go.
I'm with you,
I give you light.

my sister in law found this poem. it was in german so she translated it into english for me. i know some parts don't make a whole lot of sense, but again she had to tranlate and she still has some trouble with words and grammer. the poem really hurt to read it at first, but now it's kind of comforting.

my miscarriage was horrible! my doctor prescribed some pills to cause me to have contractions and cramps so i could pass the baby. in some cases the pills don't work for 30-45 minutes. i figured i was in that category. so i inserted the pills for the contractions (yes inserted - it was even more emotionally painful to have to do it that way) and then proceeded to take the vicodin and ibuprofen. but to my horror about 10 minutes after inserting the pills i began to feel cramps coming on. holy cow it was the worst pain ever! right at the end i was having full blown contractions mixed with cramps and it sure felt like a fire had been lighted in my belly! i seriously think it was the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire lifetime. not only physical but emotional as well.

i'm still passing tissue and clots. still having cramps but i'm dealing with it. but as for the emotional aspect... well i've been kind of numb. i found myself able to talk about the experience and receive sympathy hugs and what not without bursting into tears. don't get me wrong, i still have the odd moments when i cry, and now i have some anger issues. but on the whole i feel pretty numb. i guess it'll rear its ugly head sooner or later.
mood: numbnumb
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(no subject)
01:23pm 16/06/2007 (UTC)
That poem is absolutly beautiful. This poem is what helped me and still makes me cry whenever I read it. I hope you enjoy it.
Your Little Angel
Forever will I love you
You will always be my mom
As I sit with angels I look down at you and point proudly
See . . .See her . . .over there, That's her!

Did you know I could hear your thoughts at night
When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your hand on your belly
Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things . . .
Who I would look more like . . .
About how my laugh would sound . . .
My First steps . . .
Books that you would read to me . . ones with pictures . . .
"I like Those!"

The park . . .how you would walk me in a stroller to play on the swings
How about after I ate ice cream the dog excitedly licking my
face almost knocking me down . . .
You just smiled when you read that . . I could see you

Do you know I call you "mommy"?
When you are in the kitchen I pretend I am there also and you can see me
I sit at the table and draw with crayons
I made a picture for the refrigerator
Yellow, blue, red and green
Look its of you and me with a sky and trees
I gave you curly hair . . .

Easter . . .that's my favorite
I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church
One of my socks keeps falling down

Mommy . . .I like the way you kiss my sisters goodnight
on the forehead and tuck them in
I play with them in their dreams
They don't know me but if you ask if they ever
dreamed of playing with a little girl
they would say yes . . .
That's me . . .

Do you remember that bird each early spring
that used to always return and sing
It would have been right around the time of my birthday
That was me to . . .
I would sing "I love you"

I am always along side you . . .
Sometimes you can feel me
A brush against your dress, a breeze on your face . . .
that's when I kiss you

You have always kept me in your mind and heart
Thank you . . .
One day we will be together in heaven and you will cry
and lift me in your arms and I will hug
you so very tight and never let go . . .

But for now I have to . . .

No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you
Always know that I am "Your Little Angel"
I love you mommy . . .

Bye . . .
(c) 1999 R.S.S. Andersen All Rights Reserved
picword: heart swirls
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