over the last week i have been feeling a mixture of rage and sadness. i've been trying to push those feelings deep down. but haven't had much luck. just a few hours ago i had a "temper tantrum." i crawled into bed & felt like crying. one of the dogs barked at someone passing by and i just snapped. i yelled at the dog and after the dog left the room, i threw the contents of my nightstand around the room. i buried my face into my pillow and screamed. after that i cried. no, i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. too many bottled up emotions i guess.
no one around me understands. i tried to tell my husband. he thinks its a simple matter of not dwelling on what was lost. but its hard. i get reminders all the time. diaper coupons in the mail, hearing about people i know having their babies. seeing the baby items we got around the house. and this lady who works at the hospital in a different position, well she's just a few weeks further along than i was. just seeing her rub her very round belly is making me jealous and sad. i can't help but fucking dwell on where i would be. what would be happening.
i never dealt with these emotions back in june. why surface now? and why am i so angry? i'm bitter and bitchy. i feel alone too. why doesn't anyone else understand why i feel this way? hell maybe i am messed up. maybe i am dwelling too much these days. i just don't know how to stop it.