October 14, 2006
I woke up with the most horrible cramp/pain on my left side and I took midol and got my heating pad and settled in for a self hosted "pity party" because I thought once again I wasn't pregnant. The pain lasted for about an hour then it went away.
October 15, 2006
Off and on through the whole day I had cramps/pain but nothing that really made me worry. Then about 7:30pm the same pain I felt yesterday surfaced again. By 9:00pm I called my boss at home and told her I was in agony and wouldn't make it in to work the next day.
By 12:00am I was still in sheer agony and there was no single comfortable position I could find. I tried EVERYTHING to alleviate the pain. Nothing helped. I began to pray and I called out to my Uncle and Grandpa (both have departed, but I was raised with the belief that they went on to a better place & that they still stop by and check up on us to make sure were ok...) asking for the pain to be taken away. By now the entire household (as my husband and I were staying with my Mom until our apartment was finished) was aware of the increasing urgency of my pain level. I assured everyone I would be all right in a little while, and that I would try taking a hot shower.
By 2:30am after 6 straight hours of no relief, after some serious vomiting my husband shoved clothes at me and hauled me into the ER. The Triage Nurse who checked me out seemed to have guessed what was going on and asked me about my period and if there was a possibility that I might be pregnant. Jeremy and I of course don't take any precautions because after 1-1/2 year(s) of trying we never conceived, so it left to reason that we couldn't. I secretly hope every month to be pregnant but I felt like this wasn't my lucky month.
When I was back in the ER they did a pregnancy test and you know how it is in the ER they do something for you & you don't see them for another hour. Anyway when she came back she gave me another IV solution & said, "Oh did anyone tell you that your pregnancy test was POSITIVE?" I was in shock, so was Jeremy. Imagine, finally being pregnant! I had a full minute of absolute joy. Then the Nurse told me the doctor called in a ultrasound tech to see if I had an "Ectopic Pregnancy." This was the first time I ever heard of such a thing. The horror I felt at the idea that the baby was in the wrong place was unimaginable.
October 16, 2006
I was wheeled into my ultrasound and the lady was kind of horrible, and not very informative. I understand it wasn't her place to "diagnose" or anything like that but I had questions and she wasn't very accommodating. Anyway I was wheeled back to my room where I was given more pain medication that was safe for the baby and waited to get the verdict.
The worst possible news EVER. The baby was in my fallopian tube and it appeared to be attached. The only way to be 100% sure was to have surgery. If the baby was attached I was going to have to lose my tube. Which would reduce my chances of another pregnancy of 50%. I still kind of wanted the surgery. I wanted to hear the baby was still on it's way to my uterus and everything would be wonderful. But it just wasn't meant to be I guess.
I was so heart broken that I couldn't stop my sobbing for anything. In the end I was given something through the IV and I fell off to sleep. My Mom told me later that even in my sleep/sleepy state I still had one more crying episode.
I was given a methotrexate shot to terminate my pregnancy. I felt so much pain & sorrow as each shot was injected into my "backside" I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. I wanted to be pregnant for years! Then all of a sudden out of the blue it happens for me and this is how my very first pregnancy ends? How is this even fair??!! I see so many women who don't want or deserve to have children but they seem to have more than their fair share. I'm married to a good man, we both have steady income, a sturdy and happy marriage. We have so much to offer a baby but we haven't been blessed with one. Then when it happens it ends up like this? I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I just don't understand. And nobody could tell me for sure why this happened. There was no rhyme or reason to this.
The recovery took forever and I gotta say i'm still not emotionally recovered. I still dwell on what happened. I pick it apart looking for clues. I check out a pregnancy week by week website and imagine what is going on during my pregnancy. I would be 29 going into 30 weeks now. My due date would have been June 14, 2007. I can't let it go. I guess I just need to get my feelings out there. To try and heal so I can get pregnant again.
I'll post more later. Now I need to get back to work and take my mind off of this for awhile.