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i'm pregnant, but very worried
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
11:09am 18/05/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
so i found out that i am indeed pregnant. i'm supposedly in my 6th week. don't get me wrong, i'm ecstatic, but i'm also a nervous wreck. i know only too well how easily a pregnancy can end.

i read on a website about fetal week by week development that by this week a heartbeat should be heard. my cousin denise had a baby last year and still had this neat little gadget called a prenatal heart monitor. she gave it to me so i can listen to my baby's heartbeat. only, i couldn't find it. i tried twice yesterday. i pretended i was ok with that, but i wasn't. i had a horrible nightmare that the baby died in my womb. i haven't been able to shake the dream.
mood: worriedworried
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 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
09:54am 27/04/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
ever since yesterday i have been wondering if i was pregnant. my super sore breasts, fatigue, and a slightly elevated sense of smell. i keep imagining that i am. so i went up to er and got a preg test. i'm waiting for the result right now.

it's so hard to wait.

1 more minute. i'm probably not pregnant. i'm just not that lucky. so once i see the negative result i can just move on and stop thinking about it.

it looked negative. these damned test. maybe it was desperate hope, but i thought i saw a faint pink line. not enough to make me think it was positive. so there i go. i up and wasted time for nothing.
location: work
mood: disappointeddisappointed
tags: preg test
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A second time
 my_empty_cradle - (lilyapple)
03:34pm 24/04/2007
I just had my second miscarriage in six months this past weekend. Losing both babies just short of seven weeks. I am sceduled for my first D&C tomorrow (the lst miscarriage was able to happen by itself) I am not handling this well at all. I hate that it is sunny out and the birds are singing...I feel like they are mocking my pain. I have been trying to keep busy and trying to force food in me. (The doctor said I lost 5 pounds in one weekend) I just don't feel the desire to do shit. My husband, Sean bought me some gardening supplies this weekend to make a small potted garden on our balcony...I planted everything but, wasn't into it. I have tried to watch tv but nothing seems appealing. I feel like a guy flipping through all the channels. I don't want to be in my room since too much reminder is there. like the stuffed animals, the scrapbook and some clothes we got in our excitement are all there laughing at me. I am so angry and all I want to do is scream but, nothing comes out.
mood: aggravatedaggravated
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still not pregnant
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
03:04pm 21/04/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
i was kind of hopeful.
thought perhaps it finally happened for us again. but when i took a test this morning it was negative. i think the "symptoms" are a result of my overwhelming desire to be pregnant. like right now, i swear someone is baking a cake or brownies... i smell it so strongly, i can almost taste it *drools*
location: home
mood: hungryhungry
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little reminders...
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
06:25pm 19/04/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
so my hospital bill was approved for assistance and it was paid off in full. i do realize that it is great news but yesterday it was this little reminder, those pop up every now and again & it still hurts.

awhile back i began charting my "pregnancy" even though i lost the baby. i found my due date would have been june 14, 2007. in this little calender book i noted when each of my trimesters would have ended and began, and of course my due date. jeremy found the calender and confronted me on it. he was kind of mad at me. he thinks i should have let go. that it'll happen when things are right. you know what jeremy?? i can't help it. i have been ready for motherhood for 7 years now & to have my VERY FIRST pregnancy to end like that was more than i felt like i could deal with. i need to sort through it all in my own way.

now for a sore spot for me. this girl in my department maegan, she announced her pregnancy a mere month after my loss. i guess she was about 4 weeks along at the time. anyway every time i see her, i think to myself that i would be a bit bigger than she is, that all the things she's going through i would have been through. it's horrible for me sometimes. for a good month i avoided her. she's tall, thin and pretty, well liked (not that i'm not well liked, just a pointer) but i always thought she kind of has it all. and now she has what i want more than anything else on the face of this planet. she and i talk from time to time. she's woefully uninformed about the different ways to deliver and what to expect from week to week. so she kind of seeks me out to talk about it. it's hard for me sometimes.

i'm soooo aware of the fact that it has been 6 months since i lost a baby i was only able to be happy about for an hour, but how do i let go? how do i move on?
location: home
mood: sadsad
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my loss
 my_empty_cradle - (jennyburnett)
06:22pm 17/04/2007
Jennifer posting in pregnancy loss
October 14, 2006
I woke up with the most horrible cramp/pain on my left side and I took midol and got my heating pad and settled in for a self hosted "pity party" because I thought once again I wasn't pregnant. The pain lasted for about an hour then it went away.

October 15, 2006
Off and on through the whole day I had cramps/pain but nothing that really made me worry. Then about 7:30pm the same pain I felt yesterday surfaced again. By 9:00pm I called my boss at home and told her I was in agony and wouldn't make it in to work the next day.
By 12:00am I was still in sheer agony and there was no single comfortable position I could find. I tried EVERYTHING to alleviate the pain. Nothing helped. I began to pray and I called out to my Uncle and Grandpa (both have departed, but I was raised with the belief that they went on to a better place & that they still stop by and check up on us to make sure were ok...) asking for the pain to be taken away. By now the entire household (as my husband and I were staying with my Mom until our apartment was finished) was aware of the increasing urgency of my pain level. I assured everyone I would be all right in a little while, and that I would try taking a hot shower.
By 2:30am after 6 straight hours of no relief, after some serious vomiting my husband shoved clothes at me and hauled me into the ER. The Triage Nurse who checked me out seemed to have guessed what was going on and asked me about my period and if there was a possibility that I might be pregnant. Jeremy and I of course don't take any precautions because after 1-1/2 year(s) of trying we never conceived, so it left to reason that we couldn't. I secretly hope every month to be pregnant but I felt like this wasn't my lucky month.
When I was back in the ER they did a pregnancy test and you know how it is in the ER they do something for you & you don't see them for another hour. Anyway when she came back she gave me another IV solution & said, "Oh did anyone tell you that your pregnancy test was POSITIVE?" I was in shock, so was Jeremy. Imagine, finally being pregnant! I had a full minute of absolute joy. Then the Nurse told me the doctor called in a ultrasound tech to see if I had an "Ectopic Pregnancy." This was the first time I ever heard of such a thing. The horror I felt at the idea that the baby was in the wrong place was unimaginable.

October 16, 2006
I was wheeled into my ultrasound and the lady was kind of horrible, and not very informative. I understand it wasn't her place to "diagnose" or anything like that but I had questions and she wasn't very accommodating. Anyway I was wheeled back to my room where I was given more pain medication that was safe for the baby and waited to get the verdict.
The worst possible news EVER. The baby was in my fallopian tube and it appeared to be attached. The only way to be 100% sure was to have surgery. If the baby was attached I was going to have to lose my tube. Which would reduce my chances of another pregnancy of 50%. I still kind of wanted the surgery. I wanted to hear the baby was still on it's way to my uterus and everything would be wonderful. But it just wasn't meant to be I guess.
I was so heart broken that I couldn't stop my sobbing for anything. In the end I was given something through the IV and I fell off to sleep. My Mom told me later that even in my sleep/sleepy state I still had one more crying episode.
I was given a methotrexate shot to terminate my pregnancy. I felt so much pain & sorrow as each shot was injected into my "backside" I couldn't wrap my mind around what was happening. I wanted to be pregnant for years! Then all of a sudden out of the blue it happens for me and this is how my very first pregnancy ends? How is this even fair??!! I see so many women who don't want or deserve to have children but they seem to have more than their fair share. I'm married to a good man, we both have steady income, a sturdy and happy marriage. We have so much to offer a baby but we haven't been blessed with one. Then when it happens it ends up like this? I don't drink, smoke or do drugs. I just don't understand. And nobody could tell me for sure why this happened. There was no rhyme or reason to this.

The recovery took forever and I gotta say i'm still not emotionally recovered. I still dwell on what happened. I pick it apart looking for clues. I check out a pregnancy week by week website and imagine what is going on during my pregnancy. I would be 29 going into 30 weeks now. My due date would have been June 14, 2007. I can't let it go. I guess I just need to get my feelings out there. To try and heal so I can get pregnant again.
I'll post more later. Now I need to get back to work and take my mind off of this for awhile.
location: home
mood: heartbroken
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